Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Girl

Hey, look, for once I'm not here to whine about writing.

Cuz in order to whine about writing, you have to actually WRITE, and all I do is stare at my computer and eat salted caramel squares.  (I guess I could whine about that, but I think it's sacrilege to whine about salted caramel.  Pretty sure it's in the bible.  Somewhere in the back.)

No, today I'm here to whine about my kids.  

I must preface this whining with the disclaimer that, of course, I LOVE my kids.  I'm crazy about my kids.  Bonkers over them.  Every moment with them is a blessing and, especially in light of current events, I feel so lucky to have them and cannot even imagine my life without them.  That being said...WHAT THE ACTUAL EFFING HELL IS WITH THE TERRIBLE TWOS, LIKE, OHMYGOD THEY HAVE A FREAKING VACCINE FOR EVERYTHING ELSE, CAN THEY GET ON THAT, LIKE, NOW PLEASE.  

See, it's The Girl.  The Boy is fine.  He's almost eight.  But even when he was in Terrible Two territory, he never ventured that far into the meltdown/tantrum forest.  Occasionally he would, but it happened so rarely that when he did go ape shit, I was like a deer in headlights.  But with The Girl, I'm less like a deer in headlights and more like a deer banging its head against a wall while the screeching banshee next to it tries to break its kneecaps with a sippy cup full of overpriced organic apple juice.  Someone please tell me why EVERYTHING gives her BLIND RAGE.  Here is a list of things that anger The Girl:

1.  When I won't let her do what she wants
2.  When I will let her do what she wants
3.  When I won't give her the one thing she is asking for
4.  When I do give her the one thing she is asking for
5.  Ritz Crackers (apparently they are of the devil)
6.  Everything else in the universe, including the non-existent swimming pool in our backyard that she suddenly realized we didn't have, and SWEET MOTHER OF CRAP, do you have any idea the level of fresh hell that is involved with trying to explain to a two year-old why you suddenly don't have something that you don't have?  How do you even form that into a cohesive argument?  Oh, wait, never mind, she's already forgotten about the non-existent pool and she's now trying to jam a fork in the DVR while giving her brother the Vulcan death grip with a PlayStation controller. 

I don't understand the logic (or lack thereof) of a two year-old.  Here's the super nice mommy lady, who gives you kisses and hugs and stays up with you all night when you're projectile vomiting hot dogs, and she's asking you nicely to not try to clean the brand new flat screen TV with play-doh.  Why wouldn't you go, "Hey, I love her and she gives me cuddles and doesn't laugh at me when I crap my pants.  I think I'll listen to her and stop."  But NO.  Let's smear the squishy stuff even harder onto the screen, then throw some at the nice mommy lady, then SCREAM LIKE A MONKEY ON CRACK until her ears bleed. 

Of course, because I'm an optimist (read: control freak), I google every variation of "Coping with Terrible Twos" possible because THERE MUST BE A CURE.  Something that can be administered with blow darts from across the room or something.  But there is no cure.  There's coping skills.  Ways to diffuse the situation.  You, as the parent, are to stay calm, speak to your child in a soothing voice, use "feeling" words.  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?  The child just tried to shiv me with a frozen mango-strawberry Go-Gurt because I touched it, or didn't touch it, or looked at it, or thought about looking at it, or said the word "sock", and it just rubbed her the wrong way.  If I walked up to someone and tried to remove their kidney with a frozen stick of fruity probiotics, I doubt they'd speak to me calmly and use "feeling" words.  I'd be on the news.  Insane woman attacks innocent man with yogurt, throws herself on the sidewalk and screams "mine, mine, mine" until police arrive.  Neighborhood Watches would be formed because of me.  Yet, when this pint sized dictator in my house tries to behead me, I'm supposed to stay calm and use "feeling" words?  Yep, okay, I have a few "feeling" words for ya.  How about PISSED OFF. 

Today, The Girl and I had a half hour "conversation" (me talking, The Girl talking then screaming then crying, me talking again, The Girl screaming more) about a shoe.  A SHOE.  No sane human should ever have a half hour conversation about a shoe.  That's not something normal people do.  If someone told you they just talked for a half hour about a shoe, you'd be all, "wow, maybe you should check yourself in somewhere, get some rest, take some pills, do some yoga".  Yet, there I was..."No, you need to have your other shoe, too, no, you can't wear the tupperware container for a shoe, I'm sorry, no, no, the shoe.  No, the shoe.  No, not the plastic banana.  The shoe.  Yes, the shoe.  Because, you need the shoe.  No, please don't give Mommy a lobotomy with the shoe.  Just put it on your foot.  The shoe.  No, not Daddy's shoe, your shoe..." 

I know it's a whole frontal lobe thing.  That part of her brain that imparts logic and reasoning into situations has yet to develop.  Again, I go back to the potential cure/blow darts.  I mean, seriously, can we speed this frontal lobe thing up?  Slip them a few "lobe accelerators" or something? 

Or maybe I just need to be hooked up to a Mojito drip at all times.  Then the shiving with the frozen Go-Gurt wouldn't hurt and I'd find the shoe conversation downright spiritual.  

Basically, what I'm trying to say is...KIDS ARE WEIRD.

They're also cute.  Really cute.  And adorable.  Which makes you forgive the near-death experience with the Go-Gurt.  Especially when they climb up on your lap and say things like, "I love you to you, mommy".  

Yes, I love you to you, too, you nutty broad. 







Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Trying to be a Writer

Hmmm, it appears from my previous post that I was not having a good day that day.

See, I'm being all coy, like I only vaguely remember posting that link, but I totally remember doing it and totally remember why.  I won't go into detail.  Writing makes me want to impale myself on sharp objects Writing is hard.  Trying to be a BON-EE FIDE writer is emotionally draining.  Here's what it's like:

First, you write the book.  Yeah, cuz that's totally no biggy.  Slapping out an 80K word story that sorta makes sense.  EASY PEASY.  Then, there's querying.  Huge time suck.  Then there's waiting, waiting, waiting, and then, one day...BOOM!  REQUESTS!!! Which make you go like this...
















...more querying, more waiting, NA's ("no responses" to queries), waiting, waiting, waiting, more NA's, often to the aforementioned requests.  Yes, they request to read your book and then you NEVER HEAR BACK EVER EVEN WHEN YOU NUDGE.  So, then you're all like this...




















And then there's other stuff.  When you write, you are ALL OUT THERE.  Like, naked with all your bits hanging free.  Whether it be sending stuff out for critiques or actually sending the finished product to agents, at some point, people tell you what they think.  And some people have no problem telling you that you have no talent, that your writing is flawed from head to toe.  In fact, I know someone that is so utterly convinced of my suckiness, they say the darndest things to me, like my suckiness is mutually agreed upon, so saying/implying such is no big whoop. Which kinda makes me go...













So, yeah, that, and then the other stuff, and you're just, ugh, it's like this only worse:


And then, inevitably, like a nervous tick, you feel the need to write another book.  Because the first one two three four were such fulfilling experiences.  Plus, you're under some demented delusion that you're SUPPOSED to be a writer.  But then you get a few chapters in and you're all...

 
Because you realize you TOTALLY agree with that person who is so utterly convinced of your suckiness, and you kind of want to call them and say "I KNOW YOU ARE SO RIGHT I KNOW IT TO BE TRUE!" That's when you realize you're like one of those sad sacks from the American Idol auditions, who they profile first, and you hear how they're convinced they were born to sing, and that singing is in their soul, in their blood, and they've got DREAMS and PLANS and stuff, and then they sing, and everyone is all...


But you still write it.  Because there is something seriously wrong with you.  

Basically, in a nutshell, THIS is what it's like trying to be a writer:



Friday, March 22, 2013

THIS

THIS pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about my writing career right now.

That is all.


Sunday, December 9, 2012

Filler Blog Post

Anyway, this post is total filler.  My awesome writery/blogger friend Ray Veen tagged me in the "The Next Big Thing" Blog Hop, which I must do (if I can figure out what a blog hop actually is), but that means I'll have to stop not talking about the book I'm not writing and actually start talking about the book I'm not writing.  Which I am actually writing.  In fact, I'm almost done with the book I'm actually writing that I've been saying I'm not writing.  

Cuz, you know, that's what I do.  I write books.  Some people like them.  And some people don't. One thing that I've discovered though is that, for people who don't like my books, there is nothing I can do.  There is no way in this life or the next that I could write a book that they would like.  Even if I tried.  Even if they sent me an outline and told me exactly what to write.  It's like me and watermelon.  I hate watermelon.  It's looks yummy, but I cannot stand the way it tastes.  Watermelon could cover itself in salted caramel and espresso and Clive Owens, but I still wouldn't like it. 

It's like that quote.  It goes something like, "Write for yourself, please some.  Write for others, please no one."  

I just want to please some.  

Whatever, anyway, like I said, this post is just filler.  Oh, and to show you a picture of my daughter voguing.  

Don't just stand there, let's get to it, strike a pose, there's nothing to it!

Hey, don't laugh, she's come a long way.  She used to have funny hair and would spend all of her time blowing raspberries. 







Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Things that happen when you don't pay attention

So, y'all remember my last book? 

Oh, wait, no, you probably don't since it ended up in my "where poo goes to die" folder instead of on a bookshelf in Barnes & Noble.  (Okay, I'm being overly dramatic.  I realize that even if it had been published, the chances of it ending up on a shelf at Barnes & Noble are slim since their YA section is about as big as my closet, but you get the idea.)  I'll refresh your memory.  My last book.  Book #3.  The Grim Life of Kat Clark.  About a girl being trained to be an angel of death by her grim reaping dead uncle.  And stuff happens.  That one.  Right.  Ya with me?  Yes?  No?  K. 

So, way back while I was still querying, I tried out this website called WeBook.com.  They have this thing called Page to Fame.  You sign up and upload your first page and then other users on the site rate your stuff, and if they like it, it gets elevated, and if enough people like it, it gets elevated to the next round, which is your first five pages (with the option to upload an additional 5 "bonus" pages).  The goal is to keep getting elevated until it hits the final round, where a real live agent reads it.  The site, though very cool in concept, doesn't seem to be all that popular yet, and in the forums people were saying it can take months or even a year to even get enough ratings to move up.  So I did the initial upload thingy (this was seriously about a year ago) and just sort of forgot about it. 

Then about six months ago I got an email saying my first page of GLoKC had been elevated to the next round.  My initial first page had gotten an 85% overall rating.  Like...woohoo!  So, I uploaded the next five pages with the additional "bonus" pages and...kind of forgot about it again. 

Well, today I checked back and it's been rated 35 times and my rating is still hovering around 80%.  And people are giving positive feedback.  Does this mean anything as far as something happening with that book? No.  But...people like it.  When you try to go the traditional publishing route, you don't really think about that.  You want your crit partners to like it.  You want agents to like it.  But just regular people...that comes later and unfortunately I've not gotten to that "later" yet.  But it's kind of a cool feeling. 

Anyway, if you're interested, my submission on WeBook.com can be found here.*

And on a final note, just to clear things up because some people don't understand my psychobabble (I mean COME ON, doesn't everyone speak "bat shit crazy"?) - When I've talked about "the book I'm not writing" in previous posts, I am referring to the book I AM currently writing.  I birthed this new book in the wake of book #3 going into the pooper and I honestly had no idea really what it was, just that I knew I needed to write it.  Also, it's a bit of crazy pants reverse psychology - like if I pretend I'm not writing it, but I actually am, then...ummm, something magical will happen....??  Like, bunnies will appear.  In go-go boots.  No, wait, that would be weird.  Okay, I didn't know what exactly pretending to not write a book I'm actually writing would accomplish.  Give me a break.  I have issues.  (Obviously.)



*Let me just say that, although at the time I thought it was my best work, in re-reading my sample after several months of not looking at it, and working on this new book, which is totally different, kinda dark and angsty, I no longer think it's my best work and I see a lot of flaws in the writing.  Unfortunately, I can't edit once it's uploaded, but, just so you know, if you read and go "this isn't that great", I'm fully aware.  So shutty.  :)

Thursday, September 27, 2012

This is me...

 ...updating my blog.

Oh, my little blog.

I had such high hopes for us when I started you six years ago. Things haven't exactly gone the way I'd hoped they would. 

I am still trying, though.  Remember that book I wasn't writing?  I'm still not writing it.  And I'm almost done not writing it.  So, you know, there's still hope, right? 

Anyway, I guess there's no gentle way to say this, but I've kind of been cheating on you here.

See, I don't have to SAY anything on my tumblr blog.  I can if I want to, but, honestly, I don't really feel like talking right now. 

Plus, I like gifs that give me all the feels. 

I'll be back some day and start treating you right.  I promise. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm Not Really Here

I'm only doing this blog post to let you know that I'm not really here.  I'm not really posting.  I'm also not writing a book right now.

And incidentally, just last night, I did not hit the "save" button on a doc entitled "chapter fourteen", because, as mentioned above, I am not writing a book right now, and saving a document entitled "chapter fourteen" when it is not actually a part of several preceding chapters (one thru thirteen, to be exact) would be completely mental and as we all know, I am not the least bit mental.  Not even a skosh. 

Hang on one sec while I trim my toenails with my cat's teeth.  

K.  Back.  

Anyhoo, in closing, I'm not really here, I'm not writing a book and my cat hates me.  

And now, here's a picture of me as a zombie: