Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I'm screwed...

Daily Stats:
Words: three - I hate patchouli
Caffeine: morning cup by Stumptown, midmorning cappuccino from Cafe Ladro, late afternoon cappuccino from French Bakery...mmm, heaven
Evil Calories: pear tart, banana bread, strawberry torte, little yummy chocolates and an enormous burger for lunch
Reality TV: Project Runway, Shear Genius

I have not yet let my husband know this, but I have purchased approximately 8 lbs of coffee so far from various cafes around the Seattle area. And I have three days left, two of which are going to be spent in the Queen Anne/Downtown/Capital Hill neighborhood. I still have to hit Vivace Espresso, Cafe Vita and Diva Espresso. I'm screwed. I have no idea how I'm going to get all of this coffee home. But I can't stop myself. I need an intervention.

For the record, I'm not just buying this coffee for me. I'm bringing some back for our friends who inherited my old espresso machine. See, I'm being a "good-will ambassador", really. Traveling the country, bringing tiding of great caffeinated joy. I should wear a sash or crown or something. Convince the people at Northwest check-in at the airport that, yes, my suitcase may weigh 230 pounds, but I'm on a diplomatic mission, here. You can go ahead and charge the $100 for my suitcase being over 50 lbs, but you'd basically be ripping cups of coffee away from those who need it most.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I'm dirty

Daily Stats:
Words: dirt
Caffeine: morning cup
Evil Calories: dust covered dirt
Reality TV: too much dust and dirt, can't see the TV

Yes, that's right. I'm dirty. Literally. Dusty, rolling farmland + unpaved roads + 200 mile an hour winds = DIRTY!!! Filthy. It was charming for the first few days here in Goldendale, WA, with the beautiful scenery and all the social engagements. But, it's been a week and a half, and I think I'm done. I can't wear my contacts because they instantly fuse to my eyeballs when I walk outside, there's absolutely no point in doing my hair and I have so much dirt up my nose that when I sneeze I leave a dust cloud. GIVE ME SEATTLE NOW!!! Give me wet. Give me rainy. Give me dreary and humid. Give me frizzy hair and a shiny t-zone. GIVE ME A REASON TO DRINK COFFEE! No more of this dry, tumbleweed, dusty, desert crap that just makes me want to hide inside and apply moisturizer every 3.2 seconds.

Luckily, we're heading to the Emerald City tomorrow! My homey, home-home!! I'm already getting all misty...(and here I thought my tear ducts were all dry and shriveled from the wind...)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I hate bugs

Daily Stats:
Words: Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww.
Caffeine: morning cup
Evil Calories: Peach Crisp (that I made from scratch and refuse to share)
Reality TV: DVR still on the fritz

I hate bugs. HATE them. Don't try and give me any of that crap about them being an important part of nature. Bullshit, they're nasty. And it's always fun when you travel, because you get to see what kind of vile creatures terrorize other parts of the country. For instance, my parents are harassed endlessly by bald faced hornets, or, as my dad likes to call them, "bastard-dammit-shitheads" (not always in that particular order...sometimes it's "dammit-bastard-shitheads" or sometimes it's just a modified "shit-dammit") They're horrid creatures. And somehow, they know I hate them with every fiber of my being, and they taunt me endlessly. Why do they fly around as if they've been sucking on a vile of crack? Why can't they just fly slow and in a straight line? We'd get along much better if they weren't so freakin' spazzy. I would kindly step out of their way and not flail around like I was having a seizure if they didn't always travel in "ape shit" mode. Who knows, maybe we could even be friends. Maybe I'd rescue them from window sill and help them outside instead of banishing them into the bowels of vacuum cleaner.

In other news, my son is currently chewing on a dog toy (long story, my parents have a dog, they buy him squeaky toys, many of them are shaped like food, this one in particular looks like an ice cream cone, yadda yadda...).

I should probably go.

Remember, bugs suck.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Drive-by writing...

Daily Stats:
Words: not enough
Caffeine: morning cup + midmorning iced latte (okay, even Goldendale, WA has drive though espresso stands. Why the crap are there none in my town?? I live in a suburb of a huge city! I'm just as lazy and in dire need of caffeine!!)
Evil Calories: Banana bread, apple pie and peanut butter M&Ms. In that order.
Reality TV: (my parent's DVR is broken. My dad is on the phone with Dish Network as I type this. He's turning various shades of red. It's obviously not going well.)

Poor ThingypantsPt3.doc. ThingypantsPt3.doc is the newest chapter in my WIP (I never properly name what I'm writing as I'm writing it. If I come up with a fancy name, then I start getting delusions of grandeur. It's best to call it something like "smellyfeetPt6". Keeps me grounded). Anyway, I feel sorry for it because the only attention it's gotten in the last week is little drive-by hits. A disjointed paragraph here, a measly run-on sentence there. I had intentions of using this vacation to at least make it to the middle of the book, but at this rate I'll be finished when I'm 90 and by then I'll be too old to remember that I even wrote it.

Starting tomorrow, I am putting two hours aside every day to give ThingypantsPt3.doc the love it requires, lest my MCs pack up their shit and leave for good.

Friday, July 18, 2008


Daily Stats:
Words: cherries
Caffeine: morning cherries cup + midday cherries iced latte
Evil Calories: Cherries...cherries...cherry orchard...just down in the valley. Many cherries in belly. Hospital please...
Reality TV: cherries....cherries....cherries...cherries...

I'll keep this short because I'm about to have a cherry induced hot flash. It's really windy here. I don't mean breezy. I mean standing atop the Eiffel Tower windy. Forget having a hairstyle or trying to wear contacts windy. Parking your car according to which way the wind is blowing so the doors don't get ripped off windy. See, it's not all sunrises and pancake breakfasts living the retired life along the Columbia Gorge. Yeah, you may have a bazillion social gatherings to attend, but your hair always looks like you just stuck your tongue in a light socket. And there are cherries here. Lots of them. Currently, I'm attempting to eat the entire year's crop. Did you ever see Witches of Eastwick? If you have, you know what I'm referring to. I think that might be me in a few hours....

Thursday, July 17, 2008

When I grow up, I want to be an old woman

Daily Stats:
Words: a few
Caffeine: morning cup
Evil Calories: dangerous amounts of Peanut Butter pie
Reality TV: DVR'd new season of Project Runway

I'm going to be a loony ol' bitty when I'm old. I'm talking the works, here. Crazy hair...possibly an odd shade of blue or pink. Mismatched clothing. Sandals with socks. A little dog named Sweetie Pie in my purse. And every morning, I'll wake up to this:

Of course, when I'm old, I'll be all ornery for no reason, so a sunrise like that will most likely piss me off.

So, its day two in the bubbling metropolis of Goldendale, WA. So far all we've done is eat, sleep, eat some more, fight off the annual gnat invasion (1 gnat is fine...clusters of 500,000,000,000 gnats are annoying as crap) and attend a party where I was able to really focus on expanding the size of my ass with the help of a peanut butter pie. This morning is the weekly breakfast with "the gang" (read: handful of crazy retired people) and then this afternoon my mother hosts the quilters group.'s a sad realization when you discover that your retired parents have more social engagements than you do.

Anyhow, I've had a chance to write exactly one paragraph since I've been here. I think I might need to throw in the towel and admit that I cannot keep up with my parents and their socialite lifestyle. I'm just a lowly big city girl, after all.

Oh, and this boy was seen parading about in shorts of questionable tightness. At this rate, he'll end up joining the Village People at the age of six. Let's hope he can change his fashion faux pas ways.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

...and just when I got my underwear drawer back in order

Daily Stats:
Words: some big ones, some small ones, some that go, "ding!"
Caffeine: morning cup + midday cappuccino
Evil Calories: Waffles for breakfast. And lunch. Okay, dinner too. Can't just let the box sit in the freezer all lonely!
Reality TV: Project Runway reruns

...I'm off again! That's right, once again I am packing my bags to make another trek across the country. Although this time I'm flying (screw you, I-294 freeway through Chicago!). My destination is the Great Northwest. First stop, Goldendale, WA, where my parental units have settled. It's about two hours from Portland, OR, along the Columbia Gorge. If you've never been there, plan a trip when you're about 75 or so, when you've discovered the joys of wearing your pants up to your armpits. You'll fit right in. Second stop, Seattle, my home that I so desperately miss. I would move back there in a heartbeat if given the chance. I miss the rain (Amy Ellis just screamed "Are you fargin' crazy?" at the top of her lungs upon reading that). I miss the mountains and the rolling hills. I miss the Market and upper Queen Ann. I miss my old apartment in Capital Hill, even though you could fit the whole thing in my current living room. I miss walking by the friendly homeless guy down on 6th who put sunglasses on his dog. I miss Diva Espresso in Greenlake. I miss Blue C Sushi in Fremont. I miss the Hi-Spot Cafe in Madrona. I miss being able to walk everywhere. I miss a safe and functioning public transportation system. And of course, I miss my family. Every last loony one of them.

So, for the next few weeks, you'll be hearing reports of my "on location" adventures. I'm very much looking forward to relaxing and taking it all in. Question: at what age is it appropriate to start wearing a muu-muu?

Here's my stash of books for the trip. I must cram them all in my carry-on because NW is charging for all luggage over 50 lbs (my hairdryer alone weighs about 30)

Love and Biology at the Center of the Universe by Jennie Shortridge
Carpe Demon: Adventures of a Demon-Hunting Soccer Mom by Julie Kenner
Triangle by Katharine Weber
Sleeping with Ward Cleaver by Jenny Gardiner

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
Driving Sideways by Jess Riley
Everyone Else's Girl by Megan Crane
Love Walked In by Marisa De Los Santos

Oh...and one last thing. This boy just landed from the planet StinkyBottom. Take him to your leader, or he'll eat your brain. Do as he says. Resistance is futile.