Monday, June 23, 2008

Letting yourself suck

Daily Stats:
Words: huh?
Caffeine: morning cup so far
Evil Calories: four hundred pounds of sushi for dinner last night.
Reality TV: (there's something new on, but sleepy, overly-sushi'd brain can't remember what it is)

So, on Saturday morning, I woke up nice and early, before it got hot as crap outside, and went for a 4 mile run. Yes, I've become one of those people. So there I was, trucking along, and suddenly I caught sight of my shadow. For a second, I thought it was someone else. It couldn't be me. The shadow wasn't doing a drunk-waddle. The shadow was actually running. At a pretty good clip, I might add. I blinked, slapped myself in the face and looked again. Sweet mother of crap, it was me! I looked totally bad-ass.

And that's when I started getting all deep and introspective, trotting along there in my Nike's listening to that new Madonna/Justin Timberlake song (I'm so ashamed). I had to let myself suck at this for a while. I had to ignore my pathetic waddle (and the fact that elderly people with canes often passed me on the sidewalk) and just keep going. And look at me now. All Chariots of Fire and stuff.

Interesting, no? Perhaps the reason some people shy away from trying new things is because they can't deal with that initial sucky phase. But I think there's something warm and fuzzy about that sucky phase. If anything, it makes the eventual non-sucky phase that much better.

On a totally different subject, my mom is coming into town today. It's funny living far away from your parents because you forget their little day-to-day quirks. For instance, when I'm driving with my mom, she reads every sign she sees out loud. I have no idea why. "No left turn" signs, "Caution: bridge may be icy" signs. But she says it in a very Romper Room sort of way. "Hmmmm....kill or injure a worker and get a $70,000 fine and 15 years in prison. Oooooh.....mmmm, hmmmmm....."

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

stuff and things

Words: 1000
Caffeine: morning cup so far
Evil Calories: Is it bad to eat 12 cookies for breakfast?
Reality TV: Top Chef reunion

First, I must insist that everyone go to Girl Works blog and read her post from yesterday entitled "Order your t-shirts now" (I don't know how to do that fancy linky thingy here, so just scroll down my sidebar and you'll find her). I strongly urge you to become a member of U-SUCK. I will be doing some guerrilla warfare for them. Anyone else that likes to throw shit at people are welcome to join me.

Second, I had a dream last night that Bob Barker lived next door to me, and I peeked into his garage when I drove by and spotted the wheel from Price is Right. I was like, "Holy crap, he took the wheel!!!!" I always take stuff from jobs I leave...boxes of folders, paperclips, the phone. But he took the wheel!!! So then I had to run inside my house and turn on the TV to see if the show got a different wheel, but my TV was gone and my microwave was sitting on my TV stand instead. Think I might need to lay off the mint chocolate chip ice cream before bed from now on.

And lastly, below I've listed just a few things to remember as we go into summer:

a) I know it's hot as crap outside, but wearing your bikini top to the mall is not necessary. Especially since the mall is kept at sub-zero temperatures. Perhaps you have a crush on the pimply kid working the counter at Haagin Daz and want to show off the goods, but the rest of us really, really, REALLY don't want to see your funbags.

b) As mentioned above, it's hot as crap outside. Wearing your UGGs and a pair of Daisy Duke's only makes you look an idiot. When temperatures reach "hot-as-crap" status, it's time to tuck those ass-ugly boots away for the season. You don't look chic. You don't look hot. What you do look like is someone with the intellect of a pound cake. Go drop $2 at Walmart for a pair of flip-flops and call it a day.

c) Pleated shorts are never a good idea. If you own pleated shorts, burn them. If you're shopping for pleated shorts, smack the crap out of yourself. If you see someone wearing pleated shorts, throw shit at them. Seriously, they're wrong and anyone that associates themselves with them should be punished.

d) Take a shower. Seriously, take a shower. Once again, it's hot as crap outside. If you're saturating t-shirts at light-speed, chances are that you smell like many different kinds of bad. If you're not going to shower, don't go to movies. You know those things all around you? Those are called OTHER PEOPLE. And the woman sitting next to you isn't cramming popcorn up her nose because it feels good.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Dense and Densibility

Words: 1000
Caffeine: morning cup so far
Evil Calories: these little dark chocolate buttons from Whole Foods...they're $7 a pound but they rock!
Reality TV: Project Runway reruns

So, I just finished reading Nice to Come Home To by Rebecca Flowers. It was really good and she is the kind of writer that immediately makes me want to throw my computer away and open a beef jerky stand. The book kept pissing me off, in a "dammit, why can't I think of stuff like that" sort of way. So I was rather relieved when I went to her website and read that she thinks her work sucks the moose most of the time. In some ways I think it's better to not know that your disgustingly clever.

But the funniest part is, in reading her website, I realized the book was a modernized version of Sense and Sensibility. I must note that Sense and Sensibility is my favorite Jane Austin book. Here's basically what I sounded like after reading that. "It...what??? That's...really? But...oh, wait...yeah...okay...there's the thing with the sister and the.....OHHHHHHH, DUH!!!!!"

It's a good thing I'm cute, cuz not so much with the brain sometimes.

Anyway, I'm still working on my newest creation, which is totally strange and twisted, but it's keeping me thoroughly entertained. And I seem to be entertaining my trusted source too (you know who you are)...okay, okay, it's Amy Ellis! You'll see her snarky comments here in the blog. She's a writer too, which is the only reason I let her read my stuff in the "first draft/bag of poo" stage. She understands.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Run, Forrest, Run!

Words: 1000
Caffeine: morning cup + midmorning iced latte
Evil Calories: keep doing drive-by bites on the chocolate chip scones in the kitchen
Reality TV: Top Chef reruns

Well, I did it! I 5K'd! And I didn't end up in the hospital. Or projectiling on my husband. In fact, aside from the sweltering humidity, it actually wasn't that dreadful. Aside from the hills. And the teenage kid who sprinted past me, finishing his 10K while I was still in the last stretch of my 5K (I wish flabby lovehandles upon you, you little twerp!)

It was a bit confusing at the beginning because they said there'd be a staggered start, the 10K starting at 9:00, the 5K starting at 9:05. But then all of a sudden, the gun went off and everyone starts busting ass. Crap! There we were still strapping the boy into the jogging stroller (which can take a while. 2 & 1/2 year olds don't understand their elbows yet). We finally got him in (may have accidentally put his leg through the arm strap, but hey, at least he was right side up), but by then we were the last ones. Luckily, lots of people were walking, so we were able to pass them and ended up somewhere in the middle of the pack. And I only stopped once for a tiny second, when the boy dropped his sippy cup. I rule!

And good news! I divulged the plot of my new creation to a trusted source (you know who you are) and her head didn't fall off from boredom (at least, I don't think it did. Haven't actually seen her, so can't say for sure).

Thursday, June 5, 2008

What doesn't kill you will probably make you throw up and sore for three weeks

Words: 1000
Caffeine: morning cup + midmorning iced latte
Evil Calories: had fast food for lunch. I never eat fast food. Currently feel like I've been hit with a tranquilizer dart. Have decided to change name to Shamoo.
Reality TV: I am so, so, SO in a fight with the judges on Top Chef. They sent Antonia home and kept that grouchy ol' cow Lisa. Antonia can cook circles around Lisa. Am so pissed. Clearly the judges are on crack.

First, I had the best idea yesterday for a book. I can't tell you what it is, because you might steal it. Or tell me that it's dumb as hell (which would be worse than stealing it). So for now it will live safely in my twisted little brain.

While my twisted little brain tosses around said idea, my twisted little body will be gearing up for my very first 5K run on Saturday morning. Now, don't be fooled. You know those people you see sprinting along, all powerful and sleek, instantly conjuring the Chariots of Fire theme? Yeah, that's not me. I run slow. Really slow. My theme song would be more along the lines of the march of the Oompa Loompas. I waddle-run, really. If I didn't wear running shorts and an iPod, I would just look drunk and in a little bit of a hurry. But I am determined not to let my awkward hustle get me down. I will make it to the finish line (and probably immediately throw up on my husband).

Wish me luck!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Changing my name to Nigella

Words: C'est si bon!
Caffeine: morning cup + midmorning cappuccino
Evil Calories: several fingerfuls of cookie batter (what? I'm not made of wood, people!)
Reality TV: DVR'ed Next Food Network Star

So, last week I tried to make Madeleines and they went all "The Blob" on me and practically took over my oven (when they say "don't overfill the molds", they mean it). But today, behold...

I know, I know, the small ones look like little dough turds, but damn if the big ones don't look like real Madeleines! Of course...they don't taste like real Madeleines. They taste like bland feet. But, I used a different recipe that had me doing all this crazy melty butter, whippy egg stuff. "The Blob" recipe tasted way better, so I'll try that again now that I have my mold filling skills down.