Monday, November 17, 2008

Poo

Daily Stats:
Words: poo
Caffeine: morning cup + midday cappuccino spiked with Baileys Irish Cream (not helping)
Evil Calories: 900,000,000 Runts (you know, those yummy-ass Willy Wonka sucky things shaped like fruit.)
Reality TV: suspended due to NaNoWriMo

I am officially having a brown out. I am preparing for the arrival of my parental units, which means I'm running around trying to make my house look as if actual humans live there as opposed to cave dwelling folk who bath in dirt and eat tiny bugs. Evil wheezing three-legged feline monster missed the cat box this morning and le poo'd all over the laundry room floor (I swear to god, can there be a day in my life when I'm not handling everyone else's poo? Toddler poo, cat poo, neighbor's dog's poo, more cat poo, I mean, for f*ck's sake!!!!!) I'm SO behind in NaNo right now, and on my god, I am spewing pure crap. It has gone from flowy ribbons of yumminess to crap dipped in crap, stewed in crap, then covered in crap and sprinkled with crap, served with a nice side of crap. I suck and have no business being a writer, and feel I should report myself to the FBI (no idea why, it just sounds like a good idea.) I need to join a 12 step program for delusional people who think they are writers, or seek alternative experimental therapy where they rig a laptop to slam down on my fingers every time I try and write. Then, to dip the day down even lower into the fecal abyss, I can't find my favorite pair of fat pants, so I'm wearing a pair of "not" fat pants that make me look like ten pounds of shit crammed into a five pound bag, and every time I pass the mirror I want to crumple into a heap, but can't because I have to keep cleaning!

send medication...

7 comments:

Elizabeth said...

you funny. me like you.

I hear you one the crap. It's 2 kid's butts I am in charge of, plus cat and dog and my own. When I go to work it's mom (during the pushing stage of labour) and newborn thick black tar poop.
Poop is my life.
And I just returned from a walk with my poodle where she pooped and then ran restless and weirded out into oncoming traffic because she had a poo cling-on hanging from her delicate butt. Which of course I got to pull off for her.
So cheers!
Here's to a shitty day.

Vivi Alden said...

Okay, you've got me beat on the black tar poo. That stuff is wicked...you practically need a chisel to get it off.

Yep...cheers to a shitty day! (by the way, I'm assuming your dog is okay...ran into traffic but averted disaster, yes?)

Sarah J Clark said...

Keep writing, 'cause I'm reading - and liking!!!

Big Plain V said...

You have only one option.

Run away.

Carrie Harris said...

So do you refer yourself to the FBI Crap Division? Not that I believe it's crap. Not from you.

Elise Murphy said...

Oh you poor darling. It's just a craptastic day all around. Shall we add chicken and goat poop to the running list?

Tracey said...

I hear ya on the cat poop. One of our kitties (the evil Barbie mutilator) has an overly sensitive digestive system (he's even on special food). The crap & stink that comes out of him at times is indescribable.

Hope you got your cleaning done. Next time try the whole bottle of Baileys.