Friday, November 14, 2008

We don't eat our kitties

Daily Stats:
Words: I'm going to kill the cat
Caffeine: morning cup + midmorning cappuccino
Evil Calories: Had jar of Smarties at desk, now Smarties scattered about in office due to annoying feline monsters
Reality TV: suspended due to NaNoWriMo

My three legged, wheezing feline monster is plotting against me. He sits on the bed in my office/spare room and licks himself. Constantly. I believe he has a bit of a Fabio complex...totally obsessed with himself, unaware of just how much of boob he actually is. I mean, for craps sake, who needs to lick their belly for an hour and half? IT'S CLEAN ALREADY! You're an inside cat and I'm fairly up on my domestic abilities so you can't be that dirty! (Okay, that's a load of crap, my house would probably make you itch, but in my defense, I'm trying to write a novel in 30 days. One cannot type and Swiffer at the same time. Yes, I've tried it.) I sit and try and write, and within thirty seconds I hear thwick, thwick, thwick and it's not a clean, dry thwick, it's a wet, slurpy kind of thwick, that makes me want stick my finger in my eye and swirl it around into my brain. And cats aren't like dogs. If you try and scold them, they just sort of look at you like, "Stupid human. You know I could eat your face while you're sleeping."

And then there's Pele, feline monster #2, our old pissed off bitty of a cat, who hisses at air. If she had a purse, she'd swing it at you. So, when Pep (three-legged monster) isn't licking his foot 7894 times on the bed behind me, Pele comes in and licks the filing cabinet. Yes. The filing cabinet.

Kill me please.

Oh, and this what I would look like with Fergie hair - though
I believe this hairstyle went down in popularity after her Today Show appearance, when she sang (destroyed) Heart's Barracuda and humped the stage in front of a large group of children:


Sarah J Clark said...

Clearly your three-legged wheezing feline suffers from OCD. Get him a therapist. Immediately.

Elise Murphy said...

Obviously your cats are plotting world domination, one lick at a time.

My dog does the licky-slurpy thing. Usually as I'm trying to fall asleep. Yuck.

Vivi Alden said...

Sarah - Yay, a new friend! Thanks for stopping by! I agree, Pep needs seriously therapy. Or at least medication. And possibly a life coach.

Elise - Total world domination, their most fatal weapon, aside from the cringe-worthy licking, being their middle-of-the-night coughed up hairballs, strategically placed just outside our bedroom door. Blegh!

Big Plain V said...

My dog wakes us up in the middle of the night with her self-slurping obsession. Luckily dogs are easier to kick than cats.

And no, I haven't actually kicked her, but it's good to know that the option is there.

Tracey said...

My one cat is too fat & lazy to bother grooming, so I'm spared the obsessive licking, but have to deal with crazy mats since he's a long hair. The other cat just seeks out things of my oldest daughter's to destroy (Barbies, stuffed animals, shoes). He's really got a bun on for her. I'm not sure why.

Vivi Alden said...

BPV - I will admit to launching poor, slurping Pep off the bed a few times in the middle of the night (he sleeps on my feet, so if I get annoyed, I can't help but give him a good bump). But, then he sits at the door and does it, where we can't reach him. Clever little bleeder, he is.

Tracey - My old cat Jack was like yours...he's was 19 pounds and could barely heave himself in a position to lick. I miss him.

Elizabeth said...

She did!? Fergie! I'm shaking my head in disgust. I used to think she was so hot. I still like her stuff though. Ha ha, I typoed and originally wrote 'like her stiff'.

Your cats are awesome. I have 2 myself and a dog. The dog makes the same wet lick at night when she sleeps on the floor beside me.
And I want to know, why, after my cat has totally groomed and then I pet her... she has to re-groom the spot I touched like I STINK! Does your cat do this too?
I then wait for her to clean it and then pet her some place else and watch her reclean again. We amuse ourselves in this way.

Vivi Alden said...

E - yeah, Pep does that too!!! If I pet him, then it sends him on the OCD trip. I swear if he could talk, he'd be saying, "get it off! get it off!!!!"

Pele is even more bizarre. You can pet her, but she must lick your hand while you're doing it. Like I must be clean in order to touch her.

Sadly, yes, Fergie did do some serious stage humping on The Today Show in front of minors. In fact, they made fun of it on Vh1's The Soup. But I saw it live and wanted to hide under the couch. I was so embarrassed for her.

(heehee...I like her stiff...that's funny).