Friday, December 5, 2008

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Daily Stats:
Words: Once upon a time...
Caffeine: morning cup
Evil Calories: more sugar cookies
Reality TV: Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew

Hubby and I had a (rare) and wonderful chance to actually go out to a nice dinner the last night that my parental units were in town. I say rare because a) we usually eat at home and save our money for neat things like diapers or laundry detergent and b) if we do happen to splurge, it's at our favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint, and spazzy three year old is always with us. It was very nice to be able to have a conversation without having to be on "child possibly sticking fork in his own eye" patrol. And this was a good thing because we ended up talking about the worst ways we've ever been dumped, which requires full attention.

Now, let me preface by saying that I'm sure we've had this conversation before, seeing as it is more of a fourth or fifth date topic and we've been together for almost 9 years. But your brain melts and turns to lumpy pudding after you have children and you often don't remember anything that occurred PSC (pre-spazzy child).

Of course, my famous "worst dumping" incident was back when I was in my early 20's and my pseudo-sort-of-but-not-really boyfriend showed up at the coffee house I worked in and broke things off during my 15 minute break. It was horrible. I had to go back to work and make double tall nonfat mochas serve people croissants. I believe the world should stop for at least an hour after pseudo-sort-of-but-not-really boyfriend breaks up with you in the back hallway next to a case of soy milk, but that's just me. (oh, and just a side note...he worked near by and came in a few hours later to order a coffee and see how I was doing. Boys are so stupid.)

Hubby's story wasn't quite so dramatic. A girl he was dating in high school ended things by turning Goth and never speaking to him again ("wow, what did you do to that poor girl, honey?") Of course, his story was better when he was dumper instead of the dumpee, and admitted to dumping an old girlfriend during her birthday dinner (ouch!). I was just about to give him a decent tongue lashing on behalf of all women, when suddenly something surfaced from my lumpy pudding PSC brain that might trump my 15 minute break story.

I worked at a music company many many years ago, and I was asked out by one of the tech-heads who worked in our other building (we'll call him "Dill-hole"). Dill-hole and I went out a couple times, and though he was really nice, there just wasn't a lot of chemistry there. But, whatever, I was young and he was in a band and really when you're 20-something, what more do you look for in a guy? So we were in that "after date two with strong possibility of date three" phase when my friend Wendy found me at work on a Monday morning and told me she'd heard that Dill-hole had hooked up with another girl we worked with over the weekend. So, I put on my mature face and decided to pay him a visit. When I walked into his office, he said the following words to me:

"Hey, champ!"

I feigned being in a hurry and pretended I was actually there looking for "so-and-so" and busted ass out of there as soon and I could. I'm a smart girl. When a guy calls you "champ", it is over!

What's your best dumper/dumpee story?


Elizabeth said...

Well ok... I've had A LOT of them. So hmm, the first one that comes to mind is the fucktard that broke up with me apres a quicky. And being that I was still rather young (18ish) I punched him in the head. Yes it's true.
I swear that is the only time I've been agressive like that. But I'm thinking it was warranted, no?
On the other side I broke up an intense 2 yr relationship by simply moving to another province and ignoring his letters (this was pre-email days--God am I that old?).
I know not my best shining moment.
I swear I have learned from these events.

Ya ok, next!

Big Plain V said...

These breakup stories are fun! Here's one I'm calling, 'most WTF breakup'.

I was trying to break up with a girl this one time because she was too much of a flirt. No, I'm not the jealous type, I'm the sensitive type: she really was a huge flirt and I couldn't handle it. Anyway. While I'm trying to break up with her, she's simultaneously trying to talk me out of it, and quietly flirt with the guitarist from my band who was hovering around the periphery. Because he enjoyed flirting so much.

It was the last time I was in an actual fist-fight.

(and needless to say, the line-up of our band changed after the next show)

Amy Ellis said...

Okay wait, I was assuming the dumper from your coffee days was the guy in the band! So who was the coffee dumper? Or was he in a band, too? It was Seattle in the 90's, after all.

I don't have any good stories since I was always a social retard. As you well know.

Although when we lived in NY, this guy asked another girl if I'd go out with him while we were at some party on a Saturday night. This was right after we moved there, so I was all excited that some boy finally liked me! But then on Sunday I told my friend he'd asked me out, and they went "HIM??" like he was a total loser - remember how they all knew each other since nursery school there - and then on Monday he was waiting for me after every class like a puppy dog. When I think about it now, it was really sweet, but it totally weirded me out at the time. So in true 15 year-old fashion, I wrote him a note that I wasn't ready to date him and handed it to him before class. WAY TO GO. He NEVER spoke to me again for the rest of high school. And then he ended up with this stoned-out girl, and all my friends joked with me that I ruined him.

So yeah, my social retardation started young.

Amy Ellis said...

Sissy, I'm laughing (with you) because suddenly Cheap Trick's "The Flame" just started playing in my head.

Vivi Alden said...

E - Yes, breaking up after a quicky warrants a punch in the face. I fully support that! (heehee...fucktard. One of my favorite words.)

V - Geez, that girl was quite good at multi-tasking...trying to talk you out of the break-up whilst flirting with band mate. Impressive!

Ms. Ellis -

Regarding comment A - yes, they were both in bands. Like you said, it was Seattle in the 90's. You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a wanna-be Eddie Vedder. And poor little NY guy...he wanted to be first to date the exotic girl from Alaska and you shot him down!

Regarding comment B - shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Elise Murphy said...

Um, okay. So when I was 17 I was madly in love with this boy. He called me right before (like I had my car keys in my hand) I was going to my first day of work as a waitress, and broke up with me. This was also just two days after I had driven from Portland, OR to San Fran to visit him. Then, on my way to my new terrifying job, the car directly in front of me ran over a big fluffy cat. I cried all the way to work and then during each break.

And yes, I stopped returning all calls, letters, emails, postcards from a guy I dated a few times. The reason? 1. His name was Norbert. 2. He had hairy shoulders 3. He was Austrian and had never heard of Scooby Doo. I knew it would never work.

Tracey said...

Probably the worst one was this guy from Vancouver that I was having a pseudo long distance thing with (I don't think it really qualified as a relationship). Anyways, I went to Maui with him and some friends. While we were there he was acting really of moody, which made things really suck. Then when we got back to Vancouver he told me that he was interested in someone else. Um, you might have wanted to mention that before I wasted my money on a week in not-so-paradise asswipe! The worst part was I had to hang out at his place for another couple of days before my flight home. Talk about uncomfortable. At least his roommates were nice about it.

Rags said...

I also seem to have dozens of these stories spring to mind, which is probably not a good thing for the old ego!

The best one (in a kind of sick way!)....

Had been seeing this guy, who was supposed to be driving down to my house the day before my birthday, so he can stay with me and wake up together.
Only he calls me two hours after he was due to be there, to say he cant come down because he slept with his girl housemate last night, and is leaving me cos he can't take the guilt.

Ha ha! Loverley! Men can be arsewipes!

Sarah J Clark said...

Men are so stupid sometimes. Geez. I'm just glad I'm married to a fabulous, non-stupid one!