Sunday, December 21, 2008

She's crafty

Daily Stats:
Words: snow
Caffeine: morning cup+ midmorning cappuccino from girl at Macy's cafe who made really good foam
Evil Calories: currently obsessed with making the perfect carrot cake...still not there but am eating my way through
Reality TV: Top Chef reruns

Did I mention we're not doing any Christmas shopping this year? We're not skipping Christmas altogether, mind you. We still put up our sad little $20 fakey-fake tree from Target, still went to the mall this morning to walk around and see all the decoration, still plan on ordering our traditional Chinese take-out dinner on Christmas eve and watching TNT's marathon of A Christmas Story. But, no shopping. Everything we're giving this year is homemade. That is, if you live within a 30 mile radius. If you don't live within a 30 mile radius, you're getting a long distance high-five from us and that's about it. I don't mean to sound like a Scrooge, it's just that the industry that basically keeps my cute little homestead afloat is in Washington right now begging and pleading for money. I told them not to throw all their eggs in the SUV basket, but did they listen????? Noooooooo!!!!!

I could go on and on for days about this because I spent many years of my life producing commercials for one of "The Big Three". Asshats. That's all I'll say. Asshats who wouldn't know a good idea if it came up and started madly humping their leg. That's why they're broke, peeps. But I digress...

So, you may not know this, but I'm crafty and have mad skillz. When I say we're giving homemade presents, I don't mean cookies and "free hug" coupons. If you live within a 30 mile radius, and I give a crap about you, you will be getting the following:

homemade French baguette
roasted garlic butter
sweet potato biscuits
honey butter
homemade beef jerky
eggplant bolognese
pasta e fagioli
herb stuffing (made with homemade bread, cuz that's how I roll)
carrot cake cookies
English cream scones
three legged wheezing cat

Okay, I'm not really giving away that last one, but am tempted to since evil feline monster has chewed off bottom branches of aforementioned $20 fakey-fake Target Christmas tree. This is why we can't have nice things.

Anyone else boycotting the blue light specials at Kmart and giving homespun yummies instead?


Tracey said...

I'm totally drooling now. Can I be on your Christmas list? You could just throw me a baguette and some garlic butter and I'll be happy.

Big Plain V said...

Holy crap, you're allegedly 'homemade crafty' gifts sound pretty freaking good. Could you seriously make me one of those three-legged cat thingies? Cuz I'd like to feed it to my dog, thereby saving a few bucks myself.

Does your husband plan on ever responding to all his cool new comments over at his blog? Just wondered if he knew they were there, or if he's just saving them up like gifts under a Christmas tree.

Vivi Alden said...

Tracey - believe me, if I could get to that roadside motel you're trapped in, you'd have a care package!

V - I will send you one of the three-legged cat thingies...but it's plastic, fakey-fake tree from Target flavored. Not sure if you're dog will be into that. (And, hubby hasn't responded to my comment either! He probably hasn't even seen them. He's a very lazy blogger. I'll get on his case.)

Amy Ellis said...

You are SO Martha Stewart, except you're actually funny and dress better.

And I should live within a 30-mile radius of you since I now got MAD SKILZ for driving in snow.

Right, not really. I kinda screech and whine every time the car doesn't go the direction it's supposed to.

But feel free to bake some baguettes the next time I visit!

Sarah J Clark said...

Hellz yeah I'm boycotting this Christmas and all the holiday cheer that subsequently goes with it.

As for your three-legged wheezing cat, any chance it's because it has a Christmas tree branch lodged in its throat?

Just a thought.

Merry Flippin Christmas.

Carrie Harris said...


I'm making homemade stuff this year, but it's only edible if you happen to like noshing on yarn.

Elise Murphy said...

It's all homemade this year unless it is:

1. An American Girl doll for my daughter.
2. Books. Books. Books.

I've made very cutesie goats's milk soaps with oatmeal, calendula oil and essential cinnamon oil, and lavender and rosemary bath salts. If you'd give me a chance, I'd probably make you laundry soap and dishwasher detergent but those five gallon buckets are pretty heavy.

When can I move near you and become your BFF? I lurve home baked bread. In fact . . . as I am snowed in, I should probably just go bake some.

Elizabeth said...

Wow My house! Now! Please come! I'll supply the booze.

We had a 50$ limit between hubby and I...he informed me he blew it which of course made me run out and do more shopping...

I didn't do Xmas cards this year, only an Xmas email photo... send me your addy and I'll forward it to you if you like. Free!

Vivi Alden said...

Ms. Ellis - Hells, yes! The next you visit we'll sit and eat baguettes and roasted garlic butter all day long. And maybe Duran Duran will be back, and we'll bring baguettes and roasted garlic butter to the concert and cram our pie holes while Simon dances.

Sarah - and a merry flippin' Christmas to you, too, my frugal sister! (Oh, and the three legged monster wheezed cuz he has a heart murmur. Poor little evil thing!)

Carrie - I would nosh on yarn if it was carrot cake flavored!

Elise - I love making bread! I used to hate it and swear and throw things because it never turned out, but now I've gotten into my bread groove. It's kind of a zen thing for me. You work it all together, it rises, then you work it again, it rises again, so on and so forth. Very satisfying.

E - Pleeeeeeease send me your pic! I'd love to see it! I'll email you so you have my address.