Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Vent

Daily Stats
Words: zero down, 1400 to go
Caffeine: morning cup + midmorning cappuccino
Evil Calories: chocolate cookie thingys I found in back of cupboard (I hope those are nuts)
Reality TV: Biggest Loser. I know, I know...it's all bunch of marketed, corporate vomit. But I can't help myself

Today, I picked up this little card thingy at my local Starbucks. It said “Have an idea for us?” on one side, and MyStarbucksIdea.com on the other. So, here are my ideas:

a) Stop employing people with mullets. It just goes against nature. Call me a purist, but I don’t want a dude with flaming red hockey hair to foam my milk. He might dribble some of his Stetson in it. Then I find myself craning my neck over the bar to see if he has a fanny pack and well-accentuated front-butt. Why is he working at Starbucks? Shouldn’t he be home running his Walker Texas Ranger fan site?

b) Stop serving vanilla-orange-mint-caramel-kiwi-chocolate abominations to cater to the brain dead, overly tanned, overly highlighted muffy masses. Gabriel Mathieu de Clieu would spin circles in his grave if he saw what you were doing (and if you don’t know who he is, shame on your crooked little soul). The point is to ENJOY the flavor of coffee, not do everything with every sugary substance known to man to cover it up. I’ve never met anyone who took a sip of coffee for the first time and went, “yummy, give me more!”. Coffee is not blatantly enjoyable. The first taste can sometimes throw you. It’s strange, bitter and almost hurts. That’s where the complexity lies. One must venture further to gain appreciation. It’s the difference between meeting someone who’s overtly friendly, cheery and welcoming and meeting someone who is interesting, dark and intriguing. The latter is lost on some people. And that’s ok. Not everyone should drink coffee. It’s an acquired taste. To acquire a taste for something is a sign of character. Not everyone HAS character. Therefore, not everyone should drink coffee.

Now, the funny thing is, I actually like Starbucks. I forgive them for their blatant bastardization of coffee because along their crooked path they gave birth to the Frappuccino. (Yes, I drink those from time to time. It’s coffee, cream and chocolate, people. I’m not made of wood.) And had they not set these little cards out, I would never offer up my feelings. But they asked, right?


2 comments:

Jana Lubina said...

North America should start doing as parts of Europe have been doing for ages -- start 'em young on the java. And on the good, dark, sinfully complex espresso; not the dishwater swill many plces try to pass off as coffee.

It's odd how passionate some of us can be about our coffee.

Eileen said...

Mullet coffee makers? Oh the horror.